Sweet Dreams
by Erbear09
Summary: Sam has to tell a story.


AN: Hello there. This story really does not have any kind of plot or anything like that. Of course there is some Cam goodness in here. But I wrote this for my wife/another fanfic writer, WinterAquair, because she felt that someone needed to finally address this pressing topic. Here you go!!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters you may notice in this story.

Sweet Dreams

Its 9 p.m. on a Monday night, so Carly and I are putting our twins to bed. I don't mind getting them ready for bed, but tonight is their story night. Carly usually is the one that takes care of Monday nights but she had to go in to work for a little. The real-estate business tends to be very demanding, especially during this time of year, so it was bound to happen sooner or later. I mull over all of the bedtime stories I have heard in my life, trying to find the perfect one for the kids. After about a minute of staring into space I finally decide on the story I want to tell them.

"Mommy, come tuck me in." my oldest girl, Lee, calls to me from her bed. I swear she looks more and more like Carly each day I can't help but do as she says, so I make my way over to her as she climbs into her bed. I pull her Rocket Power sheets all the way up to her chin and I tuck the sides in just the way she likes it. I give her a kiss on the top of her head just like Carly always does and I go to close the window.

"What about me Mommy?" The younger of my two babies, Victoria calls for me to tuck her in as well. It surprises me at first, because she always does things on her own but I guess tonight is different. I walk around Lee's bed to get to Victoria's and I tuck her in the same way I did for Lee but Victoria has Invader Zim sheets. I grab the rocking chair that is in the corner of the room and place it between their beds. Now its time for their !

"So, I'm not really sure how Momma C does it but I have a story that my mom told me when I was little." I move around a little to get comfortable in the chair and proceed to tell my story.

"Okay, so there once was an old little whore that lived in a shoe. This whore had so many damn kids that she couldn't take care of them all, so she had to start selling some of them off to be servants so they could support their siblings. The oldest Melanie was sent to an evil tech-nerd named Freddie to do his laundry cook his food since his mother kicked him out, because she didn't love him anymore. I really don't see why anyone could love him ever; he was a disgusting little creature. Weak too." I finish my mini-rant and look at my girls to see if they are drifting off to sleep. Lee is looking at me like a crazy person and Victoria texting on her Pear Phone. Why the hell would a six year need a Pear Phone anyway? This plan is not working, so I go to my plan two.

"Mary had a little lamb. The lamb started getting on Mary's nerves so she traded it for a pig. One day while walking through the woods for some reason, Mary realized that she was lost. See, Mary was a dumbass and she couldn't read maps too well. So for three days Mary and her little pig wandered aimlessly around the woods without finding a single soul to help her. Which serves her dumbass right; she was walking through the woods for absolutely no reason. Who does that? Well on day four4 of her pointless journey Mary became extremely hungry. She searched high and low for something, anything for her and the little pig to eat. After hours of searching they found nothing and were really sad, because steak dinners are just lying around in the woods waiting for little dumb bitches that get lost in the woods to find them." I glance over at my girls again to find Lee reading a comic book and Victoria listening to Lady Gaga on her Pear Phone.

"Will you two please listen to my story? I swear it gets better. Come on, please?" I give them my best pouty face hoping they will fall for it.

"Stop giving them your pouty face. It won't work; I taught them how to resist it." My beautiful wife Carly in for the rescue. I didn't even hear her come in, but I don't care, she can get these girls to listen to me. Yes they listen to her more than they do me, I don't care I still love them the same.

"What are you girls doing? Do we read comics and listen to Lady Gaga this late at night?" She is so hot when she is asking rhetorical questions. I just want to take her into our room and do some things to her.

"But Mommy, Momma Sam was telling us these really lame stories. Can you tell us one, please?"Aw, she's doing the whole pouty thing, I taught my little Lee well.

"Okay, I'll tell you two a story. Momma Sammy's stories were pretty lame."

"My stories were so not lame. My mother told them to me when I was a kid and I loved them."

"I'm sure you did honey, but your mom isn't exactly what I would call normal. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother-in-law, but she is a weirdo. I mean that in the best way possible." If she wasn't so cute I might be slightly offended by that. She just called my mom a weirdo. That doesn't matter now because the girls have put their things away and are ready to listen to her story.

"Okay girls, how about I tell you the tale of Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No way Calrs! You will not tell our children that story!" Carly seems to be taken aback by my little outburst, I didn't mean to yell at her but she just crossed a major line.

"Why can't I tell them the story?"

"Because that chick is a phony. How the hell can you carry a big ass picnic basket with one arm and not be able to beat a wolf? Picnic baskets are heavy as hell, and you're telling me she can carry that and not be able to beat a fucking wolf. She is a lazy liar that wanted her grandmother dead. It's a conspiracy I tell you."

"Number one; watch your language around the girls. Number two; it's just a story calm down. Number three; this just proves that you are from a line of weird people. Who the hell can make all of that up about a chick with a red hood."

"Just pick another story, please?" I really don't want to go into why the girl is a whore and how she had sex with the wolf to pay for the hit she put out on her granny.

"Fine, how about the Three Little Pigs?"

"No! You cant tell that story either. Those pigs are so stupid. Why would you try and build your house out of sticks and hay? I don't want our kids being exposed to that. And the brick house was obviously a crack house. That's why the fire was on; they were in their cooking their crack and the wolf wanted some so he came down the chimney then his dumbass got burned. How did he not feel the heat when he was coming down the chimney? Fire is hot, he should have felt that, but no he had to go and get all burned and shit. The fucking wolf is a dumbass too." I figure I should leave out the prostitution ring that they were running, the girls don't need to learn about that yet.

"What about the chick with the blonde hair and the three bears? Let me guess she was a free loading whore and the bears should have mauled her for touching their stuff but instead they made her become the prostitute. Then she had to live in their basement with rats and shit."

"I wasn't even going to say that. A blonde girl, free loading or of a family is pretty much my life story." Well it is. I have nothing against Goldie.

"Well I'm not telling them that story then. How do you approve of that little whore?"

"Watch your language around the kids Carly. " I love teasing her.

"I will not watch my language! All I want to do is tell the girls a story and you keep getting in the way with your theories."

"They are not theories Carly, they are fact. Its not my fault that those sick story tellers were so perverted." I happen to think that my logic is solid on this one, but that look Carly is giving me tells me she doesn't feel he same way.

"You are so lucky I love you. Can I tell the Hansel and Gretel?"

"No! That story is about two little bastards with weird names eating someone's home. I don't care if it is a witch or not, she worked hard on that house and those assholes come in and eat it. No they deserved to die. I don't care what anyone says. Maybe those pigs should have made their homes out of candy. That way the wolf would have been too full to eat them and he would have left them alone. By the way, why is there a wolf in so many of the stories? Don't wolves had anything else to do….." Carly puts her hand over my mouth and points to the girls. Lee and Victoria are fast asleep.

"Lets go Sammy." Carly takes my hand and we quietly leave the room. I think I did pretty good, but I don't want to tell anymore stories for a while. Sweet dreams girls.

"Hey Sam?"

"Yeah Carls?"

"I think you need some therapy."

"As long as sex is involved." Carly smiles at me, then takes off her shirt and walks into our room. Hope we don't wake the girls.

AN: So that's all folks, I hope you enjoyed. If not too bad. Reviews please.


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